Those little peccadilloes that make you a pecadildo, the quirks that mean you are a jerk, and the things that sadly, mean you are a c**t. Sorry.
1. When someone mentions the movie The Life of Brian, you quickly say, in a silly voice; "He's not the messiah he's a very naughty boy!"
Of all the great comic moments in the film you pick the most childish lowbrow obvious one.
2. You say "That's the badger"
3. You sing along loudly to the "na na na na na na naaas " at the end of Hey Jude
4. You prefix your pearls of wisdom with "I'm not being funny, but....."
5. You have a personalised number plate. Its like paying to name your blood type!
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6. You talk about the new Star Wars movies being rubbish and forget that the original ones were just kids movies and apart from the second one were largely average.
7. You are the first to shout "Speech " at someone being celebrated.
8. You lament about how much kids nowadays have it easy and how you used to go out and play in the woods and this and that. Every generation has extra technology You just sound like a dull git romanticising the past Before you rode a bike the previous generation walked, the one before that didn't have pavements, the one before that didn't have roads, the one before that didn't have shoes wash rinse repeat. Times change
9. When you're watching the TV among other people and its a comedy, whenever there is a joke that you laugh at you look at everyone just to show how you got the joke
10. If someone says something that is a song title, you respond by singing it. E.g. "I think it came in yesterday" c**t responds: "Yesterdaaaay, all my troubles ....." or "Do you know Maria? C**t responds: "MARIAAAA ...."I just met a girl named Maria" etc.
11. If you see someone or are talking about a girl wearing a short skirt you say: "That's not a skirt,......Its a belt." Then look round for people doubling up at your cutting and hilarious quip that has been said a trillion times before yet you unfathomably act as if your keen and atom- splitting wit just coined it. Often you will repeat it because them not hearing it is plainly the only justification for people not instantly telling you that the Edinburgh Fringe is begging for a fresh raw talent like you.
12. If someone mentions a cat, or a kitten, you make a joke about pussy. Idiot.
13. When someone says the name of the town, Dudley, you respond in a Black Country accent loudly saying "DOODLAAAYYY". Twat.
14. You think Ed Sheeran is a proper musician and credible artist.
15. When asked "Are you allright?" You respond with "I'm allright its the others".
16.When someone mentions football, you say about them being overpaid and falling over when they are tapped. Echoing something said a trillion times before, but with an air of originality and gravitas as if you have just created an alternative to fossil fuels.
17. You like Mrs Brown's Boys
18. You dislike London and take every opportunity to tell people that.
19. Someone mentions martial arts, you respond with: "I've got a black belt in Origami"....No you have a black belt in C**t
20. When someone has had a haircut, you chide in with "You had a fight with a lawnmower." If you are a true c**t, you end it with the words "...and lost!" to really finish the room off.
21. You have said at one time: "Say what you like about Katie Price but she is a savvy businesswoman"
22. When someone uses a long word that you do not know the meaning of, you say: "Can you repeat that in English please". A baffling thing to say, loudly proclaiming your ignorance. "Can you repeat that in ignorant cunt" would, of course, be more accurate.
23. When a baby/toddler unwraps a gift and then proceeds (as they invariably do) to play with the packaging and show more interest in the box than the gift, it is more certain than 3 follows 2 that some empty vessel will quip: "Right Next year we all know what to get him/her.....a box!" Hear it at every chance every Xmas
24. If someone is discussing politics, you will say: "You know how to tell a politician is lying dont'cha?" followed by a pause, then "....his lips move" and then followed by a look of willing generosity that says; 'you can have that gem for free.'
25. When the subject is raised, (or of course, even when it is not. After all, unwanted opinions are your bread and butter:) "Marriage is just a piece of paper." Here you are using the c**t arsenal mainstay, the cliche. Also, it is something you think sounds clever, so you repeat it. A lot. Shame you never say it about a driving licence, or a passport, or a degree, or any one of many other things.
26. An eponymous entry! When someone calls someone else a c**t, you will say: Nah, C**ts are useful! Then do that thing oft-lamented on this list of looking for the reaction. The sign of a true card-holding c**t
27. You give out engagement party gift-lifts. Presumptuous and entitled c**t.
28. This one only tends to happen in blue-collar jobs. Some idiot will always walk up to a random fellow and arbitrarily say "It's your fault" and usually laugh. Some will not get this. Many will.
29. At work, on a Friday, you will say a lot: "Never mind, it is Friday". Thank you for that.
30. On Christmas morning, you respond to people saying "Merry Christmas" by saying: "Bah! Humbug." A lot.
31. You go to Fuertuventura
32. You refer to people as "babber" or "my babber".
33. You are over 25 and refer to yourself by a given (or even worse, self - given) nickname. Especially if it's a self-aggrandising one like Chopper, Crunch, Bruiser, or Jumbo.
34. You use GIF's to express yourself more than you use words.
35 When someone mentions John Lennon, you site how he was a hypocrite because he said "Imagine no possessions" when he had a Rolls Royce and a mansion. Something which shows nothing more than the fact you don't know the meaning of the word 'Imagine'
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36. On a busy bus, you will sit on the outer seat, stopping someone from having the seat next to you, if you are an advanced c**t you will put a bag on the inside seat. precious, arrogant c**t
37 When filling out a form under the section where it says "sex" you write or say "yes please".
38 You do that "mwah-ha-ha" evil laugh.
39. You work in recruitment
40. You STILL wear a Global Hypercolor t-shirt. Nineties c**t
41. You talk about being drunk as a feat worthy of remarking upon. As if it is somehow rebellious or in any way interesting: "Hey I drank so much that I was the same as millions upon millions of other unimaginative, life-weary-uncouth morons across the world. I must be ssssoooooo crazy to do what is expected of me as a consumer of no real note or worth"
42 You dress up like the Peaky Blinders and go to the races
43. During a wedding speech (or any other similar type) you heckle more than once. Do not kid yourself it is a laugh. It is rude, egotistical, selfish, annoying, and totally c**tish
44. You automatically laugh at the end of your own jokes.
45. You have a cannabis leaf pendant/poster/tattoo/t-shirt/necklace. Do not get me wrong, if you want to smoke weed,, have at it, it is fine. Just realise you are not rebellious, interesting, or cool for doing it, you are a consumer, nothing else. I do not have a John West tattoo with a "Free the Salmon" legend underneath. Also you like Bob Marley but mainly because he smoked a lot of puff
46. If someone is explaining a problem, maybe at work, or with something official, you are one of these secret amateur lawyers that love to tell people "nah, he can't do that it's illegal". Even though you have no legal qualification, no experience in the area, and a total lack of perspective, you act like Perry Fucking Mason. Laws change all the time and are complicated and technical. Stop passing off guesswork-fed rumours, or ideas you have, as fact.
47. You think that Roy 'Chubby' Brown is funny, edgy, and controversial
48. If someone says they are struggling with hearing or going a bit deaf, or something along those lines, you very quickly say: "Pardon?"
49. If someone trying to locate someone else asks "Has anyone seen Greg?" You respond by saying: "Yeah he's about 5'10", medium build...." Just before the curtains drop and the flowers come
50. You drive below the speed limit, and then when the limit changes to faster than the speed you are going, you still slow down. WTF?
50. You wrote this list. Or, even worse, you don't like, comment, share, and subscribe to Nicely Put after reading this.
51. You do rabbit ears behind someones's head in photograph
52. When you see someone back from holiday, you say: "See you bought the weather back with you then!" Regardless of what the fucking weather is like. Clearly you have been saving the big guns up
53. Often in construction, someone brings up the subject of the cliched "Go and ask for a long weight" practical joke. If you respond with further examples, all heard a billion times before, including: "Sky hooks," "tartan paint," or "skirting-board ladders" then guess what....you are number 53 (BTW above examples are NOT exhaustive
54. You correct people who have lists about how the title doesn't match the number of entries
55. If space/astrology is mentioned you will make a joke about Uranus
56. You use/have used the phrase "You go, girl!"
57. You write a post online you think is so engaging that you finish with the word:"Go..."
58. You post Gifs with someone pointing to the above post, saying: "This..."
59. You go to Las Vegas and post to Instagram images titled "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" We know what happened in Vegas. You got drunk a lot, ran out of money, and spent time at free shows and trying to hijack your buddy's comp drinks.
60. You have ever said the phrase: "You go girl" or written it and stretched out the vowel sound in "girl" using extra "u"s
61: In the Fish & Chip shop, when offered salt & vinegar, you ask to apply it yourself.
Key:
0 = Good man/woman. You are self-aware and not self obsessed. You are fun, but don't claim to be, and to be fair, you may not even exist
1-5 You are not at fault. Being a c**t takes work. You are a carrier, but you are asymptomatic.
6-9 Try and stop being formulaic. Having a standard go-to quip for various situations and your own lists of values that have no real basis or worth. You are possibly redeemable, but you have to want to change.
10 or more: Cunt.