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  • TED Catchpole

What Makes Dogs Just Great!

This is a scoop. I may never write anything else after this. Soon, things like when Spotlight broke the Catholic Church scandal, the Zapruder footage, and Tony Blair coining Diana as "The People's Princess" will be dwarfed by my exclusive.

Dogs have fake noses that are put on them in a factory.

Yes you heard it right. I just cannot see how it was never figured out before. In fact, I checked by googling "Do dogs have fake noses?". My google account is now currently under suspension.

To business then. The dog in question could be any dog about. It might be called Rex, or Twinky, or Oliver. Regardless if it is your dog or one of Queen Elizabeth II prized Corgi. they all have the same noses. Look at them. They all look the same.

Now, I hear the same response. "All animals have that, what about polar bears, or gorillas?" and to that I say "When did you last see two polar bears look as differing as a Schnauzer and a Labrador? They are as alike as an egg and a pause in conversation, yet they still have the same conk (predictive text a risk there). Look at these random examples, huge difference in size, colours, breeds, behaviour, diet, and temperament. The odd atom is the only difference in the proboscises.

I am investigating and have not really conclusively proven that all licenced breeders have a distribution licence to receive a kinder-egg style nose to attach to the evolution-ordained nub in the middle of a dogs face with two little slits

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Attempts to further investigate this have so far met with weird looks. There is also very loud chatter about DIY build-your-own dog nose kit. This, as in the area of narcotics, and weapons is the side of the dark-web that is really the most unattractive to decent web users. Many people laugh when I share my revelations, not realising, that it is not a simple procedure and if attached wrong, you are very lucky to be able to remove the appendage to attempt reapplication. It is too sensitive and tightly fitting for multiple application attempts. A common response is "f**k off mate! What are you on about you crazy c**t?"

This almost universal verbatim response shows me that I am being noticed and the people responsible have decreed an official response to my inquiries for all staff, customers, and clients

It appears that, upon further thinking about it, illicit breeders can probably buy these self applied noses on the black market, however, without professional application, it is possible to end up with the moisture ducts out of kilter and a dog with wet cheeks and a dry nose. They need a wet nose otherwise it means they are poorly you see. Although there is little evidence to suggest this will be of any deterrent to the crooks and we predict that the dog-nose market could rival drugs and guns in years to come for brutality and profitability. Kinder, while not being the only possible source, are certainly the most likely. A spokesman for the company declined to ring me back.

So remember where you were the first time you heard this. As a future Nobel laureate I plan to dedicate my future to exposing this crime against nature. I welcome all joiners.

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Nicely Put 2020

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