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Robbie Williams Returns.

Please remember to check out our other music articles including The Prodigy and The Beatles

Strange title. To me that sounds like the name for a tennis or squash stroke where you tried a flash and cocky service-return, but only managed to just keep the ball in play. It bounces loudly but to no real outcome, and for an oddly long time. Eventually the ball is out, but by then no one is looking anymore. Then the ball decides it is back on coke to boost the headlines.

So you are back? Your agent decided the industry is open to your foibles again?

Saying you are depressed, addicted, retiring, or whatever - is that coming? Frankly, your shallow practice of announcing one thing or another to get exposure is something that sickens me. You paved the way for the likes of Lily Allen, Ed Sheeran, Jessie J and various others, who use problems that destroy real people as a way to increase album sales. It is the most cynical and vile behavior, and I would sooner you fuck off and never come back again and leave the world for those willing to take a deserved ranking in it.

I remember some documentary about the would-be authentic rock-pop fusion artist. In one agonizingly disingenuous pantomime, our Rob starts to weep and says how he "wakes up every single morning just really fucking scared" (he must be cool, he swears you see).

SO, what exactly are you scared of Robert? The giff-gaff bill? Is it maybe Gary Barlow punching you (which you deserve greatly)? Is it the rumours of you playing Joey Boswell in a new series of Bread? (I always preferred him to the first one anyway)

Take yourselves back to the scene with him wearing a Motley Crue vest as the press conference for his Sony deal was done, the: "I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams" moment.

He had so clearly planned to say that. If it was impromptu, it would have been okay. Planning to say something like that, trying to make it sound off-the-cuff, and failing so miserably. Cocky, arrogant, bold, or any other adjective doesn’t cover it. In fact, cover is the wrong word, because it is a display of something that would be a non-sequitur. Being a twat is the only label that fits.

So he is back, okay. I say that in the way Joe says it in a Clockwork Orange. Let go an find a room, and see that a bad boy like he has been doesn't deserve fans like you two.

Why? What is he needed for? Zayn Malik was ignored when he asked Robbie for advice. Surprise surprise Robbie is saying "He was too fucked up to help." Ohhh Robbie swearing and drugs in one statement, your publicist must be racking up the rebate spend, huh? You shallow prick

For a start it doesn't ring true. Why he, a man on top of the world, would ring someone up and say: "Hi, I was hoping to work towards being a tubby, washed-up has-been. Can you help me please Mr.........Williams, is it?"

I imagine Robbie's response. Read in that lovable soft voice he has “Well Mr Malik I think if you really want to be a vapid prick, you need to up your game. As well as the hilarious attempts at trying to be a proper rock star, I, for one, decided to humiliate myself further by offering out the bloke who is just as stupid and repellent as me, but possesses credibility, I am clearly in utter awe of said rock-star. However, to look extra stupid, I did it when he was “Half a world away” and when called to face the music, I snuck out of the Q awards, skulking."

I think Zayn Malik dodged a bullet there.

I am no lover of Liam. However, you have to say, he is not a liar or a fake. I think that bothers Robbie the most. We all know he made the offer of Queensbury fistcuffs to Liam Gallagher at the Brits at a time when Liam was in a different continent. Somehow though, Robbie came off largely intact, publicity-wise. I am now hoping enough time has passed so I can flip the public perception.

Why do I hate Robbie so much? I don't hate him. I don't hate anybody. I may dislike and be generally appalled by shallow and manipulative vanity. I can only explain using the great (big) mans own words (and those of uncredited songwriters).

Looking back on past “classics” like “Strong” Let us analyse

You think that I’m Strong, you're wroooong” Nope. Definitely not. On both points

“The rain was never cold when I was young….we’re still young / Life’s too short to be afraid, step inside the sun” Christ. Never did I hear more self-congratulatory mirror-wank in all me days.

No-one is ever gonna call you a gifted wordsmith Rob. The difference between the likes of you and Morrissey, Doherty, Blur, and other lyrical winners is…you are Robbie Williams

I for one, do not miss the gratuitous use of drug-references, sexually explicit imagery, and fake lovableness in interviews. Nothing more cringe-inducing than someone doing self-deprecating that doesn’t know how to carry it off.

Robbie. You are spent. Now we have Ed Sheeran, we have James Arthur, and we have some other interchangeable singer/songwriter (I hate that term). We do not have room for any more pop-stars who think by doing something like playing an instrument, being gay, coming from a dodgy past, or in your case, swearing and alluding to coke, makes them authentic and credible. You have passed the baton, let it be ran with.

You lost any chance of redemption when you ditched Guy Chambers. I just hope the general public see this for what it is, another one of your spinelessly orchestrated attempts to track-jump onto the zeitgeist.

Is he clean? Is he screwing Kylie? Is he angry at Gary? Is he going to make a video that (admittedly, quite cleverly) makes the most flimsy, weedy, dreary song like She's the One, a hit, by making an intriguing narrative about ice-skating, with a Steve Coogan lookalike? Is he gonna try and be a tough guy again? I hope it goes better this time. I can see an MMA career in the making.

Maybe a cover of In a Gadda Da Vida. Maybe you will be cool then. Just say some naughty words and something about wacky-backy. Dude.

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